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chosh part one

>>did you miss...
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back for a bit

12:30 on 01.05.03
"friends? yeah right"

i try to build strong relationships with people that i know i will be able to fall back on if i ever have hard times. and i try to be there for them when they are going through something bad. but other than that, i feel almost like a third wheel. i feel as if i am there to be leaned on or to lean on. i feel like friends are taking advantage of me, i feel as if they aren't my true friends.

lately i have been slacking off with my social life. i worry a lot about the future and college and so i am always doing things that prevents me from just being me and from going out.

because i want to be the best that i can be, and to be that i feel that if i don't do all the work i can do, i will not reach where i could be. so i spend time with my flute, i write essays and enter contests. i just spend time doing things i probably don't have to do. but it is who i am.

so i feel as if my friends and i are in two seperate worlds. because i am not there for the social events, and they aren't doing all of these extra curriculars. so i miss out on a lot of the... things. and it is kind of painful. but hey as long as i keep my head above the water, i guess i will be alright.

and then my closest friends are the ones that i never see. ever. they go to different high schools, moved to different places and distance and schedule conflicts keep us apart. it really sucks. i miss my old circle, but i can not have it back. i want my seventh grade circle back. me, ashley, kaitie, ilana, caitie, angelines, rosie, dana... everyone. but i do not think we will ever get to be a complete circle again.

and now in high school, i am not really in a circle. in middle school, i was with the above circle, and then there was the drama group, and we were doing things together after school for almost the entire year. we had our backstage moments and our onstage moments. i loved the NameOfTheSchool Players (yes we were "players" and ditto for my high school's drama group) because we were... together.

that is why i am here. online. i have great friends, and if i am not around for a couple of days, they assume that i have a life. why? because the internet isn't what your life revolves around. and i can't really miss a social event because there aren't any. and they are there for me. if i am having a bad day, i know they'll help me feel that much better. and they're wonderful people. we have a lot of the same interests, and they're... i don't know them in real life, which makes it fun.

i love them all. (= there's dot, stephanie (who is also my pen pal, and i know she's there for me... she has been since 6th grade), ana, kate and everyone else. sorry for not plugging you all, but you know who you are.

i love joshua. <3 chelsea