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chosh part one

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back for a bit

20:28 on 01.11.03
"debate-love-things"

i wasn't here yesterday. instead, i was watching a debate tournament. so to all of you who missed the daily wit of... me, i guess, my apologies for missing it. but i watched... four round in all. three of them were josh's, and the there was this amazing varsity round that i did ideed learn from. but m has my flow so i can't say what i loved most about it. wow that was very... debaterish.

i was at the tournament today, too, btw, from nineish to 5:30. and i had so much fun. i am part of a team and they like me and i like them and it's all good.

the chevy 2003 cavalier commercial is on and i love that commercial. c'est tres bien. it uses the american pie chorus.

and i got three reviews back today, all very uplifting. 85, 93, and 100. one of the reviewers was a ctyer and they all say that i am passionate about what i do. one said that at fifteen i have had a lot of accomplishments (i will expand on my thoughts with this soon) and another wants what i have with joshua, and hasn't seen a high school relationship last so long. and they will all come back. it's what they said. i hope they do. i love getting follow up with them, which is what does happen at times.

so on my accomplishments... i realize that i have accomplished a lot. i mean, i look back on what i have done and i realize that i have done so much at fifteen (that sounded really egotistical but i don't mean to be bragging in any way) but i want to do more. i feel as if i have not done enough. i feel like i need to do more. i feel that if i don't do anything, i am without worth. and this feeling has been driving me since i was in kindergarten. so i have to try to do more and more and more and in the end i am never completely satisfied.

but the thing is, i want to be satisfied with everything. i want to be satisfied with what i do, what i have done and what i will do. and i don't want to keep making myself work, work and work.

i just want to be me without the driving force behind most of the things i do.

eleven days until joshua and i celebrate our two year anniversary. two freaking years. well, the freaking wasn't supposed to mean a bad thing there. two years is a very good thing. but what really sucks right now is that we are going to have less time for each other for a little bit. and i know we only live half an hour apart but when you don't go to the same school or see each other every week, that half hour really sucks. it sucks sucks sucks.

but we will be celebrating two years together and i must say i am so in love and so proud. we have stuck together through some pretty funky things. i guess i will just discuss our relationship (wow, that was very debater like) right now because i feel like it.

i know that i have done some pretty bad things to him. the summer before last, i cheated on him. and that really screwed us over for a time. and i have lied to him and broken so many promises i feel terrible about it. and he's dumped me several times and done his share of lying and promise breaking (but not as much as me) and we've almost broken up and broken up and cried together and gotten back together.

i love him so much. i want him. here. with me right now. because i love it when he's leaning against my shoulder and giving me kisses and telling me that he loves me. he loves me. he really loves me. and he is happy with me the way i am. (= it's encouraging. it really is.

i love being in love. i'm falling in love with love. oh i am such a romantic. and i love being romantic. i love it because i am all emotional. now that i am in love, it is easier for me to express my feelings. i don't know why, but love kind of opened me up. and i like it. a lot.

ah moving onto that little thing known as music! nothing much to say about it today because the last time i played flute and piccolo was yesterday and it was really kick butt awesome. because i played the solo twice and was almost good on piccolo. six days until the performance i am so worried about. six days.

i love joshua. <3 chelsea