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chosh part one

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back for a bit

6:17 p.m. on 2001-12-20
"-"

Sometimes, I absolutely hate my life.

This is one of those times.

Everything really sucks. No, it is worse than that. I can't see Joshua on Saturday, but I have yet to ask my father, who will probably be in a better mood than my mother, because my mother is just being really mean right now. She won't let me talk because (as she says) she knows what I am going to say, so it isn't worth talking about.

I have one nice mother, now don't I?

Yeah, real sweet.

All I want is to go to my boyfriend's house and sit around with him for a couple hours more than a couple hours. And then I want to go somewhere with him. That is all I want. It would take not quite a half hour for my parents to drive me somewhere Joshua's mother could pick me up. And his father would bring me home. (Because the play we want to go to...We don't when it will end). And that is all. It would not take them even half hour.

But no...She doesn't want to drive me anywhere. She wants to go to this stupid party next door. That's what she wants. It starts at two in the afternoon, ok? And Joshua and I want to get together before lunch, at around eleven in the morning (a reasonable time, if you ask me). So Joshua and I want to get together three hours before this party begins. THREE HOURS!!! She can't spend a half hour doing something to help me out...

It really does not interfere with the party at all. I would be out from about eleven in the morning to eleven at night. That is it. That is all. They wouldn't have to pick me up anywhere. ANYWHERE. Just bring me somewhere. And maybe not even that. Joshua says that his mother might be able to pick me up at my house.

They wouldn't have to go anywhere. They would not be doing anything. Anything at all. My goodness...

My parents wouldn't have their plans altered at all!!! But no, my mother comes up with the lamest excuses. They are so lame!!! She says she wants me to go to the party, but she knows that if I do not go to see Joshua on Saturday, that I will just stay home.

Because I am not going to go to a party where I will just sit around because the only people I will know would be my two next door neighbors.

They would be the only people that I know, and they would be busy entertaining the other guests. They would be entertaining the adults. There will be nothing for me to do, and I have better things to do with my time. I would rather work on my freaking term paper than go hang out over there. It would be a better use of my time to work on a term paper than sit around and do nothing.

I am going to see Joshua on Saturday, no matter what. If I have to walk, then I will walk. I want to see Joshua on Saturday, and I am going to, no matter what. It is our eleven month anniversary on the twenty-second, and I am not going to give up a chance to see him on one of our monthly anniversaries. No, I will not give in. I am going to see him, whether they like it or not.

So there.

So ha!

I feel a little better now, but I still want to rant and rave and go into a rage about this. I want to yell and scream and cry and make them let me see him. I want to see Joshua, dammit!!!

I want to see him. I was looking forward to seeing him. My week has sucked, and it would have been (by far) the highlight of my week.

I still want to cry.

I still want to scream.

I am so mad.

Mad mad mad mad mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this all. All I want is to see Joshua. I rarely get to see him. And that is all I want. Just to see him and be with him and... Yeah.

Oy.

I am going to see him.

I am I am I am!!!

I think I will call Joshua soon. He is probably in the middle of dinner though. Which sucks. Because I want to talk to him and cry to him. And I want him to comfort me and make me feel better. And I want him to help me get my mother to let me see him.

Well, there is always my father. Sometimes, my father is more agreeable than my mother. Which is rare...Very rare. But it happens. On occasion. Hopefully one of those occasions will be today. I am hoping, because my mother is being so mean about it.

But onto less depressing news...I want to make myself cheerful, if at all possible (yeah right, I am so bummed about the whole Joshua thing that I don't feel like going shopping anymore.)

That's another thing. I was supposed to go shopping tonight with my mother, so I could do all of my Christmas shopping for my friends, but now I am not going Christmas shopping either. *pouts*

But as I said...

...Onto less depressing matters...

I can't think of anything. Anything at all. Which is really sad.

Well, Christmas is going to be here in five days. And it does not feel like Christmas at all. It feels like ick. It does not feel like the holiday season. It feels like... Like... Nothing. Like it feels in the fall. In the fall, (well the icky month of fall = November), everything is just emotionless. All of the leaves start falling off of the trees. And it's all cold and windy, and yes it is cold and windy now, but in November it is not a friendly wind. In December, the wind is wanted, because it is supposed to be cold and frosty. That makes it Christmasy. But this is November wind near the end of December.

I hope we don't get December wind in January, because January wind is supposed to be whistling about the new, not of the old. And December wind in January would kill the new year.

I dunno, I guess to most people I am just talking nonsense...Any other dreamers and/or poets out there who have some idea as to what concept I am presenting here?

I have to go. I am going to listen to depressing music to make myself feel better. Kevin Max, no matter how depressing, always makes me feel as if my problems are smaller than the ones he writes of, because his songs start off with things like "And so we broke up/And so you decided/It was you, it's always you" and Joshua and I aren't breaking up...

And in "Existance" he questions why he is here:

"What is, what is this, this mess of my existance is/All these politics of life and love and relevance/It's m existance"

That song rock, but not as much as "Dead End Moon" because that song rocks it all!!!:

"As the sand shifts cool beneath your feet/By the light of a dead end moon/Your haunted fingers on my skin so sweet/Your hair the darkest loom"

And from the same song:

"Oh dark mistress, my only salvation/If only to hold you in blessed suspension/Eyes that hold midnight, smile that brings out light/Strange fascination, my only placation"

Yeah "Dead End Moon" rocks!!!

So does "The Secret Circle." It's such a strange, strange song. I have been trying to figure it out. Hopefully, when I read Kmax's book, Unfinished Work, things will all be cleared up. :-) From "The Secret Circle":

(spoken) "She's got a ring of serpants, one green, one red, entwined/She's got skeletons in her closet that always seem to fall in line."

And...

(spoken once again) "She offers you her ring of serpants and she offers you her hand/It's not like love or friendship...It's something...hidden"

Bwa ha ha!!! I am the expert on Kmax! Can't you tell? Hehe... I just spent a lot of time one upon a time reading about dc talk and Kevin Max and Tait and tobyMac... And yeah... And I am a Max Sista @ the ardent-enthusiast message boards... Where I haven't been in what seems like forever.

*sigh*

I said I was going to go a bit of time ago, but I guess that I just got all wrapped up in my Kmax thing. Maybe I should stop writing, this entry is getting to be a bit long. Ok, I am going now.

I love Joshua.

-chelsea-