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chosh part one

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back for a bit

14:43 on 01.16.03
"want it or not"

sometimes i wonder where i am going and what i am doing. i don't know what direction i'm heading, even though my dreams pulsate through me with such an intensity that i'm sure it's what i want.

but i just got a letter from stephanie and it got me wondering.

do i do things because i want to do them, because they make use of my talents? or am i simply there because i want to be busy and i want just another activity to impress just another college?

but i don't want to think about this, because i don't want to know the answer. i'm afraid of the answer. because if i am doing things that i really don't enjoy, that will just brand me as... well... i don't know what i would be seen as.

*sigh* and i do so much. and i work so hard. then why do i dread doing things? i am frightened to do things. especially band.

when i am in band, i play my heart out. i make marks on my page and note what's happening. i play with such a passion that sometimes i am so caught up i forget where i am. it's like flying. it's like taking the music on the page and using my flute as a brush to paint the sounds as color in the air. but i dread it. i feel that by playing to my full potential, i am a show-off. even when i am warming up, on scale after scale after scale i feel like they're watching me with an intense glare.

maybe i am imagining it, all of the glares.

oh my gosh!!! this guy... the musical director and conductor for the county's philharmonic is on the local news channel and he is going to play a flute piece. the flute is beautiful. but he is holding it wrong and he's leaning over and he is taking gulps of air and you can hear "huh huh" every time he breathes. :(

i love flute. and not just playing the instrument. i love the actual instrument. it is so beautiful. it's the perfect length and width. it's light, but just heavy enough to rest comfortably in your hand. the light always hits it just right, highlighting a key just so... it's beautiful.

i dread band because of the people. i just realzied this. i dread seeing the people, but it isn't the band part of band that i dread. but what if i become a musician and i don't like the people i work with? and what if i dread doing what i do best because of the people?

today i decided that i was going to forget about the people and just play play play. and i did. today's rehearsal was the best rehearsal i've ever played in for this piece. i played everything on the octave, i played everything just right with the counting and i matched the dynamics the best i could.

i love music. it is the voice of the soul, letting what is outside come in and what is on the inside pour out...

(i'm very inspired to write today if you could not tell. but onto more common things... (= )

kate is going to be making me a flute layout! i think the layout will work well with the themes of my diary. well duh of course it will. i only talk about flute flute flute and music music music and love... if only i could incorporate love with this thingy...ness... layout. that is what it is called.

i haven't written poetry in a very long time. it's making me sad. it's disappointing. i love poetry. i just can't make myself write it. i can't write the words and when i try, they come out in a muddled mess. *sigh*

i had a global exam today, but i have no idea how i did. none whatsoever. actually, i think i did terribly. )=

i love joshua. <3 chelsea