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chosh part one

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back for a bit

11:06 on 01.20.03
"the future = ?"

and a new layout shall be in order... soon.

in two days, joshua and i will be celebrating our two year anniversary. but i still don't have anything for him. it's upsetting. he doesn't have anything for me. which isn't really upsetting. i don't want anything expensive or hard-to-get. i just want another year of us, happy and content and together. i want a perfect year together, but can two people really pull off a year of perfection? i mean, we are human, right? and humans aren't exactly perfect. *sigh*

i love him so much. and i want us to be happy. we got into a little fight last night, just like a couple days ago, and just like a couple of days before that. i don't want to break up. i love him with all of my heart.

we talked for awhile last night, until about eleven-thirty. and we talked about a ot (i am sorry if you don't want to listen to this, but i have to write about this stuff somewhere, because the last bit of our conversation was on something that has been bugging me for a bit.)

we talked about college and stuff like that... such as, what if we're still together when it comes time to go to college? and what if we go to the same college, or different colleges that are far apart? what would we do? and we don't know if we'll still be together, but we didn't know if we'd be together to celebrate one year, and now it's two years and we really love each other. so it is very possible that we'll be together then. we can easily see us staying together all throughout high school. i can easily see us getting married... but that is my secret little kid dream.

so that is what we talked about. if we don't go to the same college or colleges that are close together, we have a big decision to make. and i don't want to make a decision like that. i would want to try to keep us together, and we would probably try that. and the thing is, college isn't too far away either. it's two and a half years away. that isn't very long, considering how quickly the year is going by, how quickly the years will go by.

and honestly, i am not ready for college. i am not ready to be ripped away from a place where i am comfortable. i just got settled here. i have a place, i know exactly where i fit. i know my place in band, i know my place in the academic ranks, i know my place socially. i know what different activity adivsors think of me, and i know what i may gain in the next couple of years. i know the teachers, the students, even the cafeteria staff. see? i fit in. i have my corner and it's furnished nicely.

i even know what i am working towards and i know what i want to do when i get to college. i know where i want to go, and how far i am willing to go. i know what i want to do with my life. but none of that is helping. just because i have those ideas, hopes and dreams doesn't mean that i know where i am going to fit. i have no idea. i don't have a corner.

not yet at least.

i know that when i go to college i will eventually find that spot into which i can settle, but not knowing exactly what to expect is scaring me. because i always know what to expect and i always know what will be expected of me. but things are going to change. and frankly, i don't like change.

and are the things i am doing now to impress colleges actually going to help me when i get there? or am i just wasting my time? i mean, being member of the community service club is a wonderful thing, and the fact that i may become a co-manager of it is an even better thing, but honestly... is it going to help when i am away from my cozy little corner? i hope so.

*sigh*

welcome to the crazy mixed-up life of me.

i love joshua. <3 chelsea