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chosh part one

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back for a bit

21:15 on 01.21.03
"should be studying"

i know, i know, i should be studying but i can't. i am too nervous. no food, little sleep, and lots of worries are really bugging me. i'm too jumpy and freaked out to sit down and absorb knowledge that i only made a temporary spot for several months earlier. what can i say? i have five tests in four days. and i don't deal well under stress. my mind is clouded, and i stop eating, i cease sleeping and i snap at everyone.

but what do i have to look forward to? because most people are telling me to focus on the good things...

so the two year anniversary with joshua is tomorrow. it is finally here. i'm excited mentally, but i don't feel it... like, i know i am excited and i know that i love him with all of my heart. but i feel sort of numb to feelings like that. the only thing i feel right now are stress and worry. stress and worry, stress and worry.

and then i look at my schedule. but there's no time. no time to do everything i have to do. i can barely get myself to do the stuff. i can't do it. i can't deal with being me!

i barely have a grasp on some of the topics in math. and that worries me. because it's me. right? me. i am an honors students. honors students don't have trouble with math. or chemistry. or global. or anything! what is wrong with me? there must be something wrong with me because i have never had this much trouble. ever.

i'm sorry, it is just that this feeling of uncertainty and failure is something that i am unfamiliar with. when you go through you life confident and secure, you don't expect to have feelings of failure.

and then there's my brief twinge of jealousy. ryan starr (one of the ten finalists in the last american idol - my new favorite show - and ryan is a girl) has such a beautiful stomach. i want to have a body like that.

i am usually happy (enough) with my body. i'm tall, slender (not skinny, skinny is boney and ick... i actually have a figure), blonde, green-eyed and (as my boyfriend tells me constantly, so this is his opinion, not mine) beautiful. so why do i want a nicer stomach? because i let myself gain weight over the summer. )= and then i neglected to get a tan last summer as well. so i am slowly losing my figure and i am uber pale. which really sucks.

yeah not feeling to happy right now.

any stress relievers out there? maybe if i finally stopped procrastinating. but i think i know most of the material. i have to calm down. breathe in, breathe out. and push. (no one will get that cept for josh but it made me laugh so hey! i feel a tad bit better already.)

do you believe in magic? (that 70's show commercial is on right now.) but do i believe in magic? yeah. i guess i do. maybe if not magic, then just having seemingly impossible things happen to me. i've got a great boyfriend, good friends (though it may seem that they're never there), a bright future, and lots of other things going for me. so yeah. i believe in magic. a type of magic.

and i definitely believe in the magic of love. i can't not believe in it. there's no reason for me not to believe in it. :) but we all knew that. and thank you to joshua for that. :) i love my boyfriend!

i have to go.

i love joshua. <3 chelsea