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chosh part one

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back for a bit

12:19 on 01.28.03
"envious"

i truly envy anyone who gets to see their significant other everyday. or close to everyday. because i don't have that privledge with joshua, and that is the low point of our relationship. )o:

today i was watching two couples and i got so jealous, i had to walk away. i couldn't be near them. it hurts to see couples together everyday. it hurts to see them holding hands and hugging and kissing and just being with each other. i can't have that with joshua everyday. i can't and it really sucks.

when i saw josh everyday at cty, it was so wonderful. sure, it took us some time to get used to it because going from seeing each other once or twice a month to everyday for a month and a half... well, the two situations are quite different.

i prefer the latter.

well, i prefer the latter, only i would prefer seeing him everyday for more than a month and a half.

i miss joshua so much. i see him one day and then the next day i miss him so much it feels as if i haven't seen him in a month or two. it's frustrating. i love him with all my heart, and he's a constant thing in my life. i know he's not going to give up on me and with all of the trouble in my family, it's nice to have somebody who loves me and truly cares about what happens to me. so leaving him can sometimes be painful.

maybe it sounds like i am dependent. and maybe it sounds like he is just someone who is there for me to lean on. but he is more than that. he's my first true love. (which he finally admitted to a couple of nights ago! thank goodness! if you don't understand, you can go to the cast page and look for 'mike the ex' somewhere.)

i miss him. i want a hug and a kiss just because i am so stressed and i think i am pms-ing which isn't helping me and my freak-out about midterms and just life in general. i need to feel better. i just need a break from all of the hard work.

i almost cried in the middle of my english midterm today. we had to write an essay using evidence from two selected readings on "the meaning of human dignity." at first, i had no idea what to do, and i sat there trying to think of what to write. and i was on the verge of tears because it was so frustrating. i wanted to band my fist against the desk and kick the wall but you can not do that in the middle of an exam. i eventually figured out what i was going to do, but in the end i was not completely satisfied. i hate that feeling. that feeling that you get when you write something or do something and you know it is good, but it isn't your best. you feel almost satisfied, but not satisfied enough.

i know, i know, i should be studying right now for my global exam, because it is a lot of material, a year and a half's worth of material, but i do not work well under stress. and i feel so stressed.

i played hacky sack today. i think i need something else to kick. right now.

i love joshua. <3 chelsea