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chosh part one

>>did you miss...
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back for a bit

14:51 on 01.31.03
"grades"

I am the only one who cries over midterms before I take them. Thank God that I am not the only one who cries afterwards.

I'm crying over a 93 in global, a 93 in math, an 89 (he lied yesterday, miscalculated!) in chemistry, and an 83 in English. Some people would kill for these grades.

But I had an 87 - 88 in math before I took the midterm. And now I have an 86? What the hell? And in global, my 93 gave me a 92 in the class. I had a 94 before the test. In English, I am screwed anyway.

I hate life right now. I have been crying about this for at least half an hour. There are still more tears. So I called Josh and he is out with his friends but he talked to me for a couple of minutes but now he is going to miss the thing with his friends tonight because of me. I told him he could go, that he didn't have to stay home. that I would be okay, but no... He said that because of me, he has no choice. So he has to stay home. I am not making him stay at home.

So now I feel incredibly guilty. Because everytime he misses something, he blames it on me. And I admit, sometimes I do ask him to stay home, but today I told him to go. Several times. So it is his choice, not mine. He's going to make me feel incredibly guilty later on about this. He's going to, I know it.

So screw him. I am sick of it. I didn't make the choice for him. He made it on his own. It isn't my fault. It's not my fault. No, no, no. That had me in tears too.

I'm crying too much lately. Too many tears, too much worrying. I just wish it would stop. I wish everything would all go away. At least, I wish that everything would get that much better. I wish that all of my troubles would go away.

*sigh*

Life sucks right now. I am not going to be on high honor roll. I am not going to do well this quarter. My parents (well, my father at least) are going to be soooo freaking mad. My boyfriend is going to stay home tonight. He doesn't want to stay home, and he is going to tell me that I made him stay home. And I want him to go just because of that. Because I don't need to feel guilty. Because I DID NOT MAKE HIM STAY HOME. He made the choice on his own (I am trying to convince myself that I am not a bad person. I feel like such a terrible person.) I don't think that Joshua even wants to hear me complain about my life.

I envy Joshua. He is so smart. He is brilliant. I wish that I was just as smart. But... He's just doing so well in every class and I'm struggling to keep my place as an honors student. I envy him. He's just so... I know, I should not envy my boyfriend. It is probably a sign of an unhealthy relationship, but I can not help it. He's smart, funny... An excellent piano player. I wish I could play piano. I wish that I could play piano and be as good as him. But I'm not.

And he'll say that there's nothing about him to envy and that he is jealous of me, but there is stuff to envy. I wish that math and science came easily to me. It is disappointing for me, because not getting a grasp on a topic is something I didn't have to deal with before high school. Everything was just so easy. And now it is so hard.

My family life still isn't the way it should be. My sister goes to a therapist and my parents don't want me to grow up. It's upsetting. My father still yells and expects (sometimes) too much of me. I have that pressure on me as well as the pressure I put on myself, and it is getting to be too much. I am afraid of my report card. In fact, I am debating intercepting it and having to wait another week. But I can not do that. It is deceptive and I do not feel like lying. But I don't want my father to see my grades.

No.

I love Joshua. <3 Chelsea