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chosh part one

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back for a bit

19:36 on 02.01.03
"joshua and chelsea"

There are times when I hate myself.

Like last night, I was talking to Joshua and he was upset and he was crying (I am not going to say why, I feel that people don't need to know that, and I want to respect him by not sharing it with the world.) and all I wanted to do was to make him feel better.

But I sat there in silence.

I wasn't sure what to say. I was on the verge of tears because he was crying and because I felt so bad for him. I was sorry. But I don't think he wanted me to feel bad for him.

But all I wanted to do was to sit and cry with him and feel his pain and take it away. I love him and... He means a lot to me and when he's upset, I am upset. Because I don't want him to hurt. I can't let him hurt. Because he is a part of me and I care about him and love him with all of me.

I wish that I could apologize for staying silent. But I can't right now because he is at a debate tournament. I don't want to call his cell, I might interrupt a round. Which I highly doubt, because an MHL shouldn't last this long, but still. And I don't want to interrupt and conversations he may be having. I just don't feel right trying to call him at this time.

I wish I said something.

I wish that there is no reason for him to cry. I wish I could take it away. Or at least to know what he goes through and how he feels.

Of course I want to make everything all better. There's something inside of me that makes me very protective. There's something inside of me that makes me want to take a problem and make it disappear. And I wish I could do that. *sigh* But often, it is beyond my power to change every little thing. Which hurts at times. Especially when it is Joshua who is affected.

So am I being protective? Or too protective? What is it? I wish I knew. And I wish I could go back to those five minutes and I wish that I could say something then in place of all the silence.

I love him. I can't help feeling all regretful right now.

)o:

But on a happy, positive note:

-> Molly's team won their basketball game, 25-11. Which is tres bien.

-> We started filling out the CTY application. And I have most of my course choices in order of desire to take them. So I might make a couple of adjustments, I am already ahead of the game, which has always been a good thing. (Last year, and the year before that we got it in on the deadline. This year, it will be going out at least a week before the deadline. My father just has to get things straight for requesting financial aid.)

-> I will get to talk to Joshua either today or tomorrow. Either way, I am looking forward to a nice conversation with him. Hopefully, he will do well at the tournament. He deserves to do well, he really does. He works hard enough.

-> Um... Health began on Friday, which I don't think I mentioned. My teacher looks to be pretty cool, she describes the material we will learn in the course as "sex, drugs and rock n roll - with mental wellness and self-esteem mixed in." There are so many things wrong with that statement, I can't even begin to list them. And yes, health is a good thing. Because it is first period and it saved me from first period study hall. And I don't have to be incredibly awake even though it is not, as she said, a "throwaway course." Because it will help us in real life. Unlike 4x = 12. If somebody can tell me how 4x = 12 will help me as a musician, well then please enlighten me!

Anywhom-ing-ness... (A tribute to Joshua and our phone conversations there. I hope he smiled. And if he didn't, he better be smiling now! Because I love it when he smiles.)

I need my boyfriend right about now. I need his love right now. *sigh* And I need him to tell me that I will do much better this quarter. And how would he know that? Because he knows me so well.

My life would be so much different if it weren't for Joshua. And that sounds like such the typical teenager in love statement, but it is the truth. And I will show you why:

Basically, Joshua and I are very much alike. We both enjoy music, Broadway, CTY, etc... We're both smart and funny and just tres cool. (o: But honestly, our differences are what make us such a good couple.

I tend to be the more eccentric one. Okay, not tend to be. I am the more eccentric one. I go for the crazy ideas and far-fetched dreams. I am very spontaneous, I'll do things on a whim. I am more on the "wild" side and people expect me to do things just for the heck of it. I like to take dares and just go out and live life. Which can cause me to make decisions a little too quickly. I don't mind if something doesn't make perfect sense, and if there's a contradiction, that is fine too.

On the other hand... Actually, on another hand a bit away, Joshua is not eccentric. He is not spontaneous. And he does not go for the dreams of a hopeless romantic. He is very realistic and looks at things as how they will most likely be, not how he wants them to turn out. He is very down to earth and makes decisions wisely and carefully. He knows not to take on too much and overwork himself. I personally believe that he is more responsible and just... Yeah. Down to earth.

So even though the majority of our interests are the same, our personalities are somewhat different. And in the end, I need him and he needs me. I need someone to keep me grounded. I need someone to hold me back when I go a bit over the top. I need his realism and I need to stop acting so quickly. He needs... Well, I believe that he needs someone who is optimistic and doesn't look at the pessimistic side of something. He needs some contradiction. He needs a poet and a dreamer. And I need a thinker.

And in the end, it all works out. And we're fine. I will even go as far as to say that we're perfect.

I love my Joshua. <3 Chelsea