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chosh part one

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back for a bit

13:33 on 02.07.03
"depression"

15 days until our two year, one month anniversary. (o: I am beginning a countdown now. I don't know why. I just figure that it is something to look forward to.

My life is pretty dull right now. I am waiting for the CTY application to be finished. I am not sure what I should do with the order of classes. I must speak to the boyfriend for such. It sounds weird, but I will get his input. I got a 90 in English and my overall average is a 93. No what I want but whatever.

My father helped out one of his friends this week. This guy had surgery yesterday and my dad took him to the hospital and stuff. And he spent fifteen hours of the day there yesterday. And then around midnight he had to take him back. And my dad was out of work for, like, a day and a half. So this guy wasn't even going to let my father leave, but my dad did anyway. And now he is exhausted and he is having trouble doing his work. But he can't leave because there is a problem at his job and if he does, he could be fired. My dad can not be fired. We can not afford it. At all.

Lately I have been feeling very depressed. I don't know why. I know I am well liked, I have a decent amount of friends and my boyfriend and I are so close to perfect. My grades really aren't as bad as I thought they were. (Looking back on it all, I am pretty happy. I could have done better. But I did how I did and all is good.)

But I wake up and I feel like crap. I go to school and I can't wake up. I can make myself look happy and I tell everyone that I am feeling pretty fine and I smile and just pretend.

Because I am good at acting. It's a nice talent to have. To be able to go out into the world and pretend that it is a stage. It's nice to be able to smile and nod and not show what's going on inside. In fact, it can be perfectly heavenly.

But it would also be perfectly heavenly if I felt better. I don't know why I feel depressed and that is worrying me. Maybe I am just way too stressed and maybe refusing to give myself a break is landing me in this place. But it hasn't been like that before. Has it?

I have always been happy knowing that I have something to do. And I like being super student.

I love Joshua. <3 Chelsea