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chosh part one

>>did you miss...
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back for a bit

11:46 on 02.10.03
"cty or lessons"

Score! I am the uber girlfriend. I am so good. I got Joshua a gift. I am so proud of myself right now. Well, I got it yesterday.

Okay so I just spent ten dollars on him but I still have to buy the sheet music.

But I was good. And I got him something. I am proud of myself right about now. And he got me somethings and everything is good. I still need to get him more stuff though.

We had an early dismissal today even though there's no snow on the ground. But that is okay. It is always nice to have even more of a break.

We're going into the third week of no Joshua. I miss him so much, it hurts. Not too too much, but just enough.

We got into yet another mini-fight. I am getting a little sick of these fights, they're pointless and leave both of us mad and depressed. We did decide that we are bland. Have you ever heard of a couple deciding that they were in a bland relationship? Probably not. But what has happened is that it isn't as exciting as it used to be. We talk about basically nohing on the phone, and then when we go out, we don't do anything interesting. The last time I saw him, we were studying. We didn't get quality fun Chosh time. It just was dull compared to stuff we have done before.

So... I am on this mission to make the relationship better than it has been before. There's me being super girl again. Doing everything, solving everything and just working myself harder than I should.

I have decided that I should start eating again. I am already under weight and there's no need to starve my body anymore. I have also decided that if I continue on this way, I am going to push myself into an eating disorder. I am already seeing signs of disorder: Every time I eat, I feel sick and thinking about food makes me feel sick. If I am hungry, I just don't eat and stuff like that. I once told myself that I would never become a statistic. I told myself that I would live life the way I should and I wouldn't cut corners. I would never starve myself or slit my wrists.

*sigh* If only I hadn't ever come close to doing either of those things. But I don't want to talk about when I was depressed and sad. I don't want to remember the time when life meant nothing to me. It was several years ago.

Moving on...

Tomorrow there is a national math contest or something along those lines. Do I really want to take it? No I don't. After awhile, you just get sick and tired of all of the extra honors things. All of the little programs and contests that will set me apart from the rest. And then I just don't want to do it anymore. But I must, I must. Actually, the only program I really want to do is CTY. And speaking of CTY...

My father has given me a choice: Two sessions of CTY or music lessons for the rest of my high school life. And honestly, I can not choose. Yes, I do want to do music for the rest of my life, but CTY... It's my last year and that place is a second home to me. It's a chance to escape and be myself with people who I can relate to. It's just a life away from everyday life. And I love it. It allows for change and for differences and it's so accepting. You can be you at CTY. Not to mention the classes. But my father is now making me choose between lessons and CTY.

He is making me choose between music and education. Two things that I have spent so much time on, so much effort on. I poured so much hard work into both of those things and now I have to choose.

I think I may take CTY. Here's my reasoning behind it, and tell me what you think. I need to figure it out, and I need help...

1). This is my last year. And it is something that I love. And you learn so much and you have so much fun... And you heard all up there.

2). Because it is my last year, they won't have to put any more money into it after this year.

3). I have volunteered to pay the difference between last year's price and this year's price (it went up about $150 each session, so that is $300) as well as intersession (which is $150).

4). I am going to get a job eventually, which means I could potentially pay for music lessons. Or some lessons.

5). Cheryl (amazing flutist who is now a freshman in college) went without lessons for a time and she was fine.

We'll see what happens. And all advice is welcome. What do you think?

I love Joshua. <3 Chelsea