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chosh part one

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back for a bit

14:47 on 03.10.03
"I'm sick and sad"

So how are Chelsea and Joshua? We suck really bad. There isn't much of a relationship back.

It's been going on for awhile, and we keep giving it time and more time and more time. We're going to go for another couple of weeks, but you can only wait so long. We've been stuck in the same place for a really long time. Things just haven't been the same between us. In the last week or so, we have broken up twice, had a billion fights, etc. I have cried myself to sleep every other night. It's depressing, but I am trying to enjoy the time I have with him, because we might break up soon.

I hope to God that we don't, because I love him, so much. We fell in love, and after you've experienced how sweet it can be, you don't ever want to let go of it. Ever.

Except, I hate fighting with him and hate seeing him hurt. I hate hurting and I hate crying. And right now, it's going to hurt, either way I go. With him, it does hurt. Because we fight. For no reason. Because trust is at a low and so is faith and hope and all of that. Communication isn't as amazing as it used to be and we've been lying to each other about some things throughout the entire relationship. Yeah, that could suck, couldn't it? But leaving him will hurt too. It's going to be different and difficult. After a little over two years with someone, it will take some adjustment time to become normal, single and functioning.

I just don't want it to end.

See I have these stupid dreams that I want to hold on to, but yeah right. Things aren't going to be all happy and cloud-free, the way I want them to be. The story may not end with "And they lived happily ever after." I wish I knew that it would. I hope to God that that will be the ending of the story.

But I don't want to let go of him. There was this closeness, this connection we had. And all I want is to get it back. I want to laugh with him, cry with him, be with him, and know that he is mine.

I want to cuddle with him and know what he's thinking without having to ask. I want to feel that close again. I want to look into his eyes and know that he loves me. I want to see it and feel it with the same intensity that was there not too too long ago.

*sigh*

It's depressing and saddening and maddening and it's kind of pissing me off.

I want to call him now, but he isn't home.

He isn't going to be home for a little bit, but then again, he won't be able to talk until later on tonight, when he's back from what he's got to do.

I miss Joshua!

(sorry if there are any typos, I don't have new batteries for the keyboard, and I don't feel like proofreading. When you're depressed, you don't want to do too much.)

Did I mention that I saw him on Saturday? I don't think I did. Well, I saw him. We fought. And broke up. And got back together. And cuddled while we watched Broadcast News. (V. good movie, by the way. If you have not seen it, I suggest that you go rent it or buy it or one of them it... (: ).

I wrote a poem earlier that I think shows how I feel right about now. So I will put it up here. (By the way, I was sitting backwards in my seat on the bus which would explain the beginning of it.)

Watching the world pass me by
In a backwards flow similar
To my own life
Unraveling and unwinding
Each day coming apart
Each stitch falling out of place
Replacing calender pages
And erasing the memories
But what if I don't want to start over again?

Yeah. That is a bit how I feel.

And I do not want the country to go to war. I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone right now.

I love Joshua. <3 Chelsea