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chosh part one

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back for a bit

17:50 on 03.11.03
"Life today"

Wow. Joshua signed my guestbook. Which is amazingly monumental because he refused to sign it before. (: Thank you Joshua...

Did I mention before that I really have been struggling with anorexia? Because even though I basically refused to admit it before and blamed my not eating on stress and v. little time, I really have been struggling with it.

It feels good to be able to admit to myself that I haven't been healthy.

But yes, I am anorexic. And I have been hurting myself. I can't believe it though. I can't believe I let it happen to me. I used to watch those movies in health and science class and read the stories in my Chicken Soup books (and in magazines, now that I think about it), and I would think "Chelsea, never ever ever let that happen to you." I didn't want to be another lost teenage girl who didn't know what to do with her life. I didn't want to feel as if food was the only thing in my life that I could control. I did not want to become another statistic. I used to read those stories and think "They didn't have to do that at all. If they just sat back and looked at their lives, they could have known what to do." I never thought that I would struggle with an eating disorder.

When it gets to the point where you don't eat when you're really craving food, you know there must be something wrong. And then there are people like my boyfriend who worry about me and ditto with my mom (she had me drink this weight-gaining thing, but I drank two or three cans. To make her happy) and they worry and think there's something wrong and I say no, no, no, I am fine.

Well, Joshua completely saw through that and I am very glad that he did. Extermely glad. Because I admitted I was sick after he mentioned that I was "somewhat anorexic." But he doesn't have to sugar coat it. Nobody has to sugar coat it. The truth is the truth and I am going to have to face it one day or another.

I am beginning to really love life again. I feel like I don't always have to be stressed even though I am out here doing that and over there participating in this. I have learned how to take real breaks (however, I can not make myself to sit and do absolutely nothing - taking a break for me is listening to music (which is Rent right now) and singing/screaming at the top of my lungs even though that isn't one of my talents.) and how to kind of relax. It's not easy. I am a person who doesn't like to sit still.

And with the Joshua and Chelsea situation: We're not broken up and we're not single yet, in the words of Joshua which made me feel better earlier. I feel so depressed but things can get better and our connection can get stronger. I feel like I am just learning this. Which fees weird because I have always been the optimistic member of the relationship and sometimes it feels as if Joshua is covering that for me. I don't know. He and I have a lot to work out if we really want to make a difference in what we currently have.

I am sorry if I keep talking about this, but this relationship is a huge part of my life. And what happens with it affects me so much. It affects me not only emotionally and mentally but also physically. And when I am sad, I really don't eat at all. Which is strange because back when I was in middle school, I ate sugary things and powdered sugar whenever I was depressed. Yes, I put my spoon in the powdered sugar and ate away. Yes, I got very hyper. It was the only way I could snap myself out of the depression spells that I went through. And I went through some pretty bad depression spells. ):

Mr. R is saying that we might put together a 35 to 50 piece select band, which means no slackers allowed. It also means another first flute position for me and maybe a trip or two to NYSSMA. (: Well, it will look very good for my college applications. But I am so excited. If we have a select band, I can get more music and more performing experience. Just the promise of more time on the stage is enough for me. I love the stage and I love performing and speaking of stages and performing...

I am pleased to announce that the Broadway musicians' strike is over. It is more than exciting. The shows must go on and after losing seven million dollars over four days, they will go on. (: It brightens my day, it really does. Now my parents can get tickets for shows and I can go.

So many things are going on right now. Like, the Community Service Club is running a School Supply Drive for needy students in Laos. It was originally going to be a tri-county school supply drive that we would run, but it is now somewhat on a national scale - Pam (a co-President of the CSC) has friends in other states who will be running it and my high school is going to be the central point for everything. In fact, I am a media contact for the northern part of my county in addition to other little things.

The drive will continue for about three months, from March 17th to June 6th, and our goal is to collect enough heat resistant school supplies to fill a 2000 cubic foot container and to raise the 4000 dollars needed to ship it over to Laos.

I think we can do it. (:

I love Joshua. <3 Chelsea