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chosh part one

>>did you miss...
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back for a bit

13:13 on 03.15.03
"Food"

Blah.

I miss my boyfriend more than I normally do. I saw him last night and the last... twentyish minutes of my time with him was absolutely wonderful. I wish I could see him tonight, because he made me feel so good about myself last night. I have been invited to an a cappela concert @ his school and I really want to go because (a) I want to see him and (b) I love music.

My struggles as an anorexic are continuing... I ate three meals yesterday. Sort of. Not really three meals.

Breakfast: half of a lemon ice tea Snapple and half of a bagel with cream cheese. As Joshua said, that's barely a breakfast. And as I agreed, it's not really a breakfast. I ate, though. That counts, right?

Lunch: Um.. half of a vanilla coke and a piece of pizza. And some chips. Still, only half of what I used to eat for lunch. Not even half. I ate lunch though!

Dinner was the meal that Joshua got to watch me eat. Isn't that great? No. He had me fill up my plate and take a little bit of everything - veggies, meat, pasta and bread. Which has carbs. I said that, and he told me that I would live. And so I was sitting there, and I had eaten some macaroni and some ham and then I realized - oh man, I am going to have to eat an entire plate of food. And I made a face, which Joshua didn't like. He watched me the entire time and then after I ate almost everything I had to get a dessert. It was kind of disgusting. But I am worrying him and I don't want to worry him. I can't worry him. So I have to eat more.

He asked me what happened to me. He said, "You used to eat anything and everything and your body was amazing. You know it and I know it. So what happened?" I will tell you what happened. I decided that I was fat and ugly and just plain old blah and boring. And when you feel like that, you've gotta do something about it, right? Yup. And I decided I just wouldn't eat. I regret that decision but food is so...

I just don't want to touch food anymore. I want to sit with a plate of food in front of me and look at it and kind of swirl the food around and eat slowly and be full.

But at the same time I also want to cry and cry and cry and start eating again. And I want to stop hurting myself and I just want to be a normal person again. I want to look at an ice cream sandwich and know that I can eat all of it and still look pretty. I want to be happy with myself and I don't want to feel depressed anymore.

Today, I weigh 115 pounds. I want to weigh 110 pounds, but at the same time, I want to gain 10 more pounds so I can be the weight I am supposed to be.

But I don't want the decisions of what to eat and how much to eat left in my hands anymore. Because I haven't been making the right choices.

In other news, I went to see the New York Philharmonic yesterday with the school band and orchestra. It was absolutely amazing. It was fulfilling. Except, I came away feeling a bit inadequate, simply because those flutists were so amazing. They're so talented. I don't think that I have that much talent. I could never be that good, could I?

The last piece they played was Dvorak's seventh symphony. And the flute was very prominent in that piece. But the sound was so clear and so full, even up at the top of the range. And I sound so thin and empty compared to it. I am almost afraid to pick up and practice my flute, in case I listen to myself and then decide that I am failure at flute.

I am praying that my father allows me to see Joshua tonight at the a cappella concert.

I am watching Ilia Klimkin, a Russian skater, perform in some figure skating competition. He is really amazing. I think I will become a figure skating fan again. I used to love figure skating. I was absolutely obsessed with it for about three years, from fourth grade to sixth grade. I remember staying up until midnight every night for about a week to watch the Olympic figure skating competitions when the games were at Nagano. I was a huge fan of the sport. And then I became totally anti-figure skating. I was absolutely hostile towards the sport. And now, I find it quite appealing. I love my phases.

I love Joshua. <3 Chelsea