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chosh part one

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back for a bit

14:26 on 03.17.03
"Goodbye love?"

I wonder how much longer this relationship will last. It's not a story out of a fairy tale book anymore. It's not amazing. It's not new and exciting. It has lost a lot of its glamour and glimmer and glitter. (like the alliteration?) But it hsa just become dull and boring. I am bored, he is bored...

But I don't want to leave him. I am not going to lose him. I will never lose him, because we'll always talk. I'll always care about him and he will always care about me. And I will always love him, even if it is only a little bit.

It's just that things suck right now.

We could take a break for a week or two, you know, not talk to each other, blah blah blah... Basically see how life is when we live normally. Well, when we live as normally as we possibly can. And then we talk to each other and see what we want. Do we want to get back together or just keep things as they would have become.

I still don't want to leave him.

If we break up, it won't be that bad. Sure, I will cry and cry and cry some more, but it's not an irrevocable decision. I can always call him up ask him out again. I could still talk to him. He will still call every now and then. And there's CTY... Maybe I could see him once or twice. Obviously, not as often as I do now.

But the problem is...

There are sometimes when it feels like we're getting better. But there are other times when it feels like we're making no progress at all. Joshua and I have agreed that things have improved a little bit. But there are so many problems... So many big problems and little problems and it is really overwhelming. And then there's all of our fights. Disagreements over nothing.

It's so confusing.

I love Joshua. I still do. <3 Chelsea