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chosh part one

>>did you miss...
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back for a bit

10:23 on 06.16.03
"troubles & ramblings"

I am back... for the next couple of days. Maybe I will be able to keep you updated while I am at music camp. I hope so because I have gone from a daily writer to a now-and-then writer.

and screw using capitals. my keyboard is in desperate need of batteries (as it usually is) and i do not know where they are b/c my dad hides the battery.

i am still going out with joshua. we've been going up and down up and down up and down. honestly, it has been pissing me off for awhile. we can have a great day one day... and when i say a great day, that can mean a wide range of things. a "great day" can be we just didn't have a fight or spent the entire time flirting or we had a very emotional and us-centered conversation. the latter is so rare and it is what i have been craving and needing for so long. two nights ago he said "i want you to be all chidldish with me" (which i heard as "i want you to be all childless with me" and i was thinking what the hell?) and so we flirted and it was so much fun because a long relationship can get so boring and monotonous (spelling?).

but then there are all the other days when we fight over nothing. or he accuses me of liking other guys or flirting with other guys (like at my best friend's sweet sixteen last friday). and he accuses me of cheating. he said that he was going to move away from that stage in our relationship - the stage where almost everyday he'd say "i think you're cheating on me" and blah blah blah. well guess what. that lasted about an hour before he started going again. of course he apologized and said that he'd stop accusing.

moving away from my guy troubles. because me love life is so much of a frickin' roller coaster ride.

i miss him though. i miss him so much. i know, i sound like a shallow teenager over here but i do miss him. i still don't see him enough. and when i do see him once every week, it's still not enough. this relationship has demands that really can not be satisfactorily met. maybe that is where our problems come from?

i also started working at a tuxedo rental shop. the hours right now are crazy since it is prom season but i am making 6.50 an hour (i know it isn't much but it is not minimum wage and i am proud of it) and it is going to pay for some clothing i need and it is going to give a lot of spnding money this summer.

but with finals and with my job and the schoolwork joshua has been doing, we haven't had much time with each other. i just hope that right now isn't a preview of next year. because josh and i are both taking AP and honors courses and he's a debater and i am going to do track. i'm also president of community service club and i belong to 2 councils and several other clubs. then i have a job and junior year means that i have standardized tests and college visitations. we're both in band and then i have symphony orchestra and being principle flutist puts me in NYSSMA band...

i think that i am overcommitted. something is going to have to go. and i don't want it to be my relationship with joshua but it seems like that is going to be on the line.

screw it... i do not need to dwell on this any longer. it just makes me depressed and when i am depressed i cry and treat joshua badly and i don't eat.

13 days until music camp! i have to start packing because knowing me, i will forget to pack next week... ashley and her family may be taking me up there with them and that should be a lot of fun.

alright, i am going to check up on everything that i have missed.

i love joshua.
<3 chelsea