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chosh part one

>>did you miss...
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back for a bit

11:45 on 06.17.03
"missing him..."

I apologize for this, but I have to complain and talk about how much I miss my boyfriend. I don't think that anyone wants to hear this but I don't give. I need to talk about him and about us and about everything.

He signed my guestbook which he never does and he told me that he loves me and then he said to count down the days until camp. 12 days until camp. I'm so excited because I get to spend two weeks with him. CTY last year was too good to be true, because it meant walking out of my building every morning to see him there, waiting for me. And then eating our meals together, whether we were alone or with friends, talking and laughing and just enjoying each other's company. And it meant an hour with each other every night before going back to the dorms... We'd sit on this little wall by Quad 6 and talk and laugh and kiss and just be together. It was so nice to see him all the time. And now music camp is coming up. :) I'm so happy right now...

But even though I'm feeling really good right now, I know that I will slip back into my depressed state and stay like that for a little bit and then hope that Joshua will be able to put a smile on my face... Maybe I will stay like that for awhile.

Jerry Springer's Final Thought from today was similar to something I wrote awhile ago when I was talking about being superficial. I was saying that a lot of people pretend to be someone they aren't when they enter a relationship and that the other person may end up loving them back, but they aren't loving who they think they are loving. And Jerry Springer was talking about that today. I guess he read my diary. :) Nah, I am kidding. But still... I just re-read that entry yesterday because I was flipping through my entries.

And now that I am thinking about not telling people things, I have a whole bunch of other stuff on my mind, concerning my relationship with Joshua. As you may or may not know, I have lied to Joshua numerous times and because of that I honestly don't know why he is still with me. I'm going to say a bunch of things and you can make your conclusions about me and think what you wish...

I told him I wouldn't do something (dance with guys at CTY when he wasn't there), but I did it anyway and told him about it. He got so depressed and then I did it again (and this time the guy ended up kissing me). Then lied and said I did it once... Lied and lied and lied for a year and then he figured it out for himself and then I lied again, saying I forgot about it or something like that (to be honest, I do not remember what I lied about then. I feel bad about that). And this tore Joshua up for so long. It still bothers him. And then I still kept on lying to him, about small stuff - but I am proud to say that since the last time I promised him I wouldn't lie anymore, I have not told him a lie! I am very proud to say that, because I completely lost his trust (well, not completely because he still trusts me with some stuff) and now I am trying to regain that trust. I think I will get it back, eventually.

I know when Joshua reads this he will start to hurt again and start accusing me of cheating again and... Or maybe he won't. Maybe he will remember that I am sorry and I have apologized and that I have stopped lying. And maybe he will remember that I love him with all my heart. Because I do.

Ah, relationships. I wish I knew what I was getting myself into when I asked him if he'd go out with me. Then I would have started to prepare for all this stuff much, much earlier. :) And I would have prepared for it by decided not to do anything bad that I have done.

Time for me to go do something else. I know that I will be back with another problem, dilemma or question. I never have anything good.

I love Joshua.
<3 Chelsea