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chosh part one

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back for a bit

15:33 on 07.11.03
"eusmc, 5th and prolly last."

I couldn't get in here for awhile (stupid overloaded servers) so this has to quick b/c I have to leave the library soon.

Only two more nights and that means once I leave CTY is on its way. Yay.

I can't think of very much to say except that I have been having a miserable time today. I just can't seem to get it together. It is very upsetting and rather distracting. Because I can't get a good tone from my flute.

My stand partner has mono by the way. It sucks big time. I just do not want to get it b/c that means Josh would def. get it and Ash prolly would to.

Sorry bout the slang, trying to fit in less letters. It looks sloppy, I know.

Anywho, I am exhausted, burned out, and gaining enough weight to layer my body with the thickness of fat I normally do not have. It is depressing. I suffer from body image issues. Everybody knows I have suffered from anorexia - minor anorexia (if there is such a thing, but still) and that I still don't like the thought of eating. I see myself a lot differently than everybody else sees me and I know it. I don't think I will ever be happy with myself. To me, I see fat being cultivated in all the wrong places and then I watch my muscles wither away. There is nothing more frustrating than going out of shape.

Well, there are things more frustrating. Like the mood swings of my boyfriend. Oh no. Not aonther Josh story.

To put in short, he has been getting more abusive.

To put in long, I am afraid that I am going to end up in an abusive relationship. The thing is, I know that most of the time his slaps are only supposed to be playful ones, and they are not meant to hurt. But I don't think he knows how frequently he slaps or how much force he exerts. B/c he hits hard. And it does hurt. And he says "That didn't hurt" while I am sitting there (a) with tears in my eyes and/or (b) holding my cheek or ear...

I have to go.

I love Joshua.
<3 Chelsea