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chosh part one

>>did you miss...
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back for a bit

18:55 on 08.15.03
"depression"

I'm not exactly sure what I am going to write about... It is rare that I come here without a point, but tonight I am ready to ramble from the beginning.

I guess I will start with Joshua. Lately, we have been discussing taking a break. Taking a break really isn't any different from breaking up, but if you ask me, it is much nicer to say "oh yeah, we are taking a break." But even though we're still madly in love with each other, I think we both can say something doesn't feel right.

I can't pinpoint what just isn't sitting well, but something isn't feeling right at all. I feel empty, even though I am in love.

It's such an odd feeling. Being empty, I mean. Like, I know that I have emotions, and I can feel them, but nothing except for being hurt feels very strong to me. Happiness seems almost untouchable, but being sad isn't far off at all. I don't think that this is a problem with Joshua, but it is how I am feeling, and it is affecting everything I do right now.

Am I depressed? I know I have been depressed before and it as felt so much like this, it's just... I don't want to be depressed and I have no reason to be. Maybe I do. Things haven't been going very well here at home. My mother and my father don't want to see each other. My mom isn't going to the Yankee game on Monday with us because of that. There are problems with our architect (we are planning on putting an addition onto our house) that I don't think I should talk about here. But because of something with money, my father is furious at my mom. My mom hates him, is only staying with him because... Maybe I shouldn't be talking about this. My seven year old brother is sitting behind me and he can read very well. And he doesn't need to know how bad everything is. Hopefully he is glued on the Yankee game.

It's so stressing, though. Because there's so much tension between my parents. They don't talk to each other, they yell. They never talk anymore. I think they've forgotten how to converse with one another, because they fight about everything. My mom doesn't want to do anythnig without my dad's permission, either, because she doesn't want him to yell at her later.

And because of that, I couldn't see Joshua on Monday or today. That is really upsetting me, which is why I am feeling depressed right now. I really miss him, and yes, I know that I saw him a week ago, but I really miss him. After I see him for a very long time (like the 3 weeks of CTY), I miss him a lot right away, because I just spent whole days with him (well, not exactly whole days, but good portions of days, especially on weekends) and I'm used to seeing him half an hour after I get up and half an hour before I am supposed to go to bed. I don't know... I really miss getting good morning and good night kisses. I miss being able to curl up with him, my head against his shoulder and my arms around his waist, while we have a long conversation. I just miss being with him.

One morning we went into the Quad 7 lounge, and for most of the time we sat together on one of the couches and listened to the music on his MP3 player, taking turns in picking what songs would be next. :) It was so much fun, sitting with him, flirting with him, everything with him. :)

Well, I am slowly making myself happier.

He was going to buy me a mood ring yesterday. Because I have been talking about getting one. I already got one, and he didn't know that but he still didn't get one. I guess that it's good that he didn't spend money on it.

I really want to buy the Rent book for him. But... My mom isn't letting me yet. I was originally going to get it offline so that it would cost less, but if she doesn't let me get it soon, I am going to search for it at B. Dalton or Barnes & Noble, and then buy it regardless of the price.

I love Joshua.
<3 Chelsea