>>diary
cast
rings
reviews
registered
clix

>>contact
guestbook
tagboard
notes
e-mail

>> me
profile
the girl
likes / hates
131 things listings
glossory
bookshelf
poetry
chosh part one

>>did you miss...
-
-
-
-
back for a bit

18:04 on 08.19.03
"fears"

Sometimes I wonder if I have a purpose. Sometimes I wonder if everything I am doing right now is going to benefit me in the future.

All of the time, I wonder if I am wasting my time.

And I know that I am wasting time by wondering these things, but...

Mainly, I am concerned that what I am doing is going to turn out to be done in good spirit but not produce any benefits. Is attending some meetings of my student government going to help me and my resume? Is taking all of my APs really going to make everything look better for colleges?

Lately, I have been feeling as if everything I do is to impress a college. I join clubs and take on leadership positions because, yes, I do enjoy it, but it feels as if I am really doing it just to have something else on my college application.

This year, I can think of at least five extra-curriculars that I will be taking on. CSC, PSAC, student government, lit mag, newspaper... Just to name a few. There are more. I am devoted to our music program, and the only area I won't be doing things in this year is that of the singing persuasion. Am I too devoted to too many things?

I guess I am just worried that I will become overwhelmed and then swallowed up by what I like to call my life. Maybe it's just because I have heard that junior year is the hardest, yet the most important, year of my high school career. (Why do people say high school career? It's not really a career. It really isn't. And yet here I am, using this phrase that just doesn't make sense.)

Actually, I am afraid. I will admit it. I am seriously afraid of this next school year. I am afraid of some of my teachers... Well, one. I am afraid of my courses. I am afraid of the workload and the all-nighters that I will be pulling.

I am afraid of losing my friends and my social life. I am afraid of forgetting my family, which will get me into trouble. I am afraid of not having time for Joshua. I am afraid of losing that relationship, not because I am dependent on it, but because the past two and a half years have been happy, exciting, and have held some of the best moments of my life. I have put a lot of time and love and everything into this relationship, and it isn't something I will let go of easily. I'm too stubborn.

It now seems that I am mostly afraid of losing my boyfriend. (Isn't that the typical teenage sob story?) But I'm not. I just express my feelings about Joshua and our relationship very easily.

I think I think too much.

I think I am going to stop worrying right now.

Because I am going to make this year one of the best years of my life. I'm not going to be a failure. I won't allow it to happen.

I love Joshua.
<3 Chelsea