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19:19 on 08.27.02
Ok so currently I'm... Thinking about: how I'm happy/how I miss Joshua Watching: Erg... Lookin' for a Yanks game Waiting for: the next time I can call Joshua. We went to the mall today. Molly's friend Carly came with us. I don't exactly like Carly. Then again, I don't exactly like many of Molly's friends. They're somewhat snobbish at times. Other times, I can stand them and I have to stand them a lot. But whatever. I could live without them... Back to the subject of the mall because that makes me happy... We went to Rave, H&M, Deb, Delia's and I am thinking that is it. But I am so expensive compared to the rest of my family. My mom definately spent the most on me... Let's see... How much did she spend? I got... blue duster/$14.99 ... tan duster/$9.99 ... patchwork pants/$5.99 ... pair of jeans that are almost too tight/$26.99 ... pair of jeans that aren't too tight/$26.99 ... tan shirt/$12.99 ... pink shirt w/ glitter all over it/8.99 ... courdoroy hat (ctyers-ribbed for extra pleasure)/$5.50 ... and i think that that is it. Sorry I had to insert the cty joke there. So I read some more of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I wasn't too fond of it last night (when I started reading) and I'm just a little more fond right now. It is slowly slowly slowly getting better. It's sort of dry though and it isn't like anything that I would normally read. I like it when books are quick and full of action. I guess that a slow book is what I need. No one is home right now. My sisters are at Jane's house. My father took my little brother to Home Depot. My mom went on a walk. So I am sitting here by myself. Not too long ago, Joshua questioned me about Mike, the ex of mine that I hate to think about. He asked me all of these questions. I was sort of glad that he did, because for a very long time, Joshua wouldn't hear anything about Mike. He would think of the worst and assume that that is what happened. And he finally started asking all of these questions. And I answered them as honestly as I could. (It was hard to remember a lot simply because that relationship began nearly two years ago and... I have blocked a lot of memories of it from my mind.) This is going to sound really weird, but... It felt really good to talk about it with him. Partially because he got answers that he refused to listen to, but then partly because he wasn't there when it happened and my friends were so they already know about how I was hurt, etc, etc. But he didn't see any of it. It felt so good to talk to someone who wasn't there about it just because they weren't there. :) Does that make sense? I'm not exactly sure how to word my feelings about all of this, but I am trying hard to convey how I feel. I know how to say how I feel about that relationship with Mike, though... It was such a waste of my time. Liking him was a waste of my time. And you know what? He wasted his time liking me. He said so himself, in the four page letter he handed to me two days after we broke up. (If you don't know what the four page letter is... It is a very mean, very cutting letter that Mike wrote to me after I broke up with him. It was so horrible. It hurt so much that it made me cry. And two years ago, Chelsea crying in front of people was a scary and rare thing. So the four page letter is important. I threw it out a few hours after he gave it to me. I read it a bunch of times and wanted to hurt myself because of it.) And I regret ever asking him out. It was a stupid mistake and I hope that no one ever makes a mistake like it ever again. But you know what? People are going to make mistakes like mine. They are going to make a dumb decision because they think they are falling in love and they are going to ask that person out. And that person is going to seem all sweet and nice on the outside, and they will say "I love you" and make their promises and then BAM! That person is going to give the other a four page letter moment. People are gong to make mistakes like the one I made. People are going to hurt and they are going to want to kill themselves and some people are going to kill themselves. There are times when I wanted to kill myself. But I didn't... I couldn't make myself. I could never hurt myself. And now that I have poured my heart out... I must say that that felt really good. I guess because I can't talk to Joshua every night I have a lot of emotion welled up inside of me. And this is how it is coming out. That's okay, though. I like to write in journals, be it a paper journal or online journal. It's such a wonderful way to express yourself. That is why I love writing so much. It is best way I can express myself.. Through words. :) My mom is heating up perogies for me from dinner tonight. I had five or six for dinner and now I am having three more. They are so good. If you don't know what perogies are, they are potato and some type of cheese stuffed inside a pasta shell-covering-thing. And they can be cooked a couple different ways. I prefer when they are cooked in this, like... butter and onion sauce. Yum. :) I have also had them baked. They're really good when they are baked. My mom and I are watching the New York Yankees versus the Boston Red Sox game on channel two. It's the bottom of the third, and the score is still zero to zero. I have to eat my perogies now so I will be right back. (Well, not right back, but soon enough.) Ok I am back. My mommy heated them up with butter. They were very good. I love perogies. I want some more. Maybe I should ask my mom if she will heat some more up. And now that I am back, I am going to leave. Sorry. Maybe I will be back later. I love Joshua. -Chelsea
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