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chosh part one

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back for a bit

18:33 on 09.10.02
"stressed out!"

i think that joshua is being absolutely horribly mean right now. he's just... i don't know. he is sort of controlling. his most recent email said something along the lines of "chelsea, go do HW, call me ASAP." actually, i think that is the exact quote. but, yeah... isn't that a bit controlling?

everything between joshua and i... it's... icky. he's just mean and then i am mean and he can't trust me and yadda yadda yadda. he hasn't trusted me fully for months. and i am going out with him and i love him with all my heart. and now i am upset and afraid. oy...

i feel almost as if i am losing him and i can't stop it. i feel like he's slipping out of my grasp and soon he'll be out of my reach. and once he is out of my reach, he'll be gone. and that is how i feel. :'(

i am terrified of losing him. i love him with all of me and i love our relationship almost as much.

what should i do? how should i handle this mess? (not that it is a mess, but that is how it feels.)

...anyone have any suggestions?

i'm so stressed right now. school started a week ago. debate is going to be a huge pressure, especially if i get to do lincoln-douglas debate, because then i would have to learn the debate and stuff. things with joshua aren't great (as covered in the above paragraphs), we still aren't sure where we'll be moving... and then there are a billion other things.

jesse is so persistent. he wanted me to go to his house for a party. his birthday party. and it is this saturday, but... i really do not want to go. so i just told him that i would be babysitting. i don't think that i am going to be babysitting, but it was the only thing that i could think of when he asked me if i would be there. i don't like jesse...

he has been trying to impress me. there are times when he tries to hold my hand and whenever he tries, i just do something with my hands. like, i'll push my hair behind my ear or i will adjust my glasses or i will do ANYTHING to keep his sweaty hands OFF OF ME. and then there are the times he tries to impress me.

he tells me about every single time he has gotten drunk. and he tells me every little detail that he can remember. and then he tells me about blowing up science test tubes and all of the freaking tests that he has failed. i don't care about those things. those things do not impress me. why does he think that those things would impress me??? i might listen to ska and punk and rock, but i am not a punker or a goth or anything.

i love my boyfriend. and jesse has been trying to impress me. he has been trying to make me like him. i'm sorry but i am MADLY in love with joshua and i do not want to break up with him. also, jesse is not my type of guy. he really isn't. joshua is my type of guy. :)

i have to go now. i'll be around.

i love joshua.

<3 chelsea