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chosh part one

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back for a bit

18:02 on 09.14.02
"a rant"

i have decided that my life is not all that great.

yeah things, are okay with joshua, but they aren't great. and yeah, i am happy with him and i am happy with us, but things really aren't amazing. it's not perfect and we aren't super happy. it just isn't the way it used to be. i don't want things to be exactly the way they were, but... i would like us to be happy the way we were before memorial day.

ugh. memorial day. i can't believe that i was so stupid. i actually wrote down everything i felt, everything i did. everything. in tiny tiny details. i wrote what i wanted, what i dreamed, what i hoped for, and what i didn't get. i was a writer.

i still am a writer. but it isn't the same anymore. i can't write everything anymore. i just can't. my parents might find it. and if they find it, everything is ruined again. i don't want things to be screwed over for me again. that would be hell.

and hell sucks. i don't need to go through hell again. i went through once and i don't want it again.

screw this...

i'm beginning to wonder if things are going to be getting any better. they haven't much. things with my joshua are a little bit better. but not by much. yeah... we fought again today. we didn't fight on thursday, but i called him today and we got into another fight. he cried, he yelled, i was mad and upset.

sometimes he can just be a jerk. he yelled at me today. i really do not want to get into why he yelled at me... it is sort of personal and i don't want the entire world to know what happened... but i can say that he said he wasn't mad, and he wouldn't get mad, and then five minutes later he started to yell at me.

and he keeps on worrying that i will cheat on him. i can see why, so it's excusable, but... that happened a year ago and i didn't really do much. i danced with a guy and the guy kissed me. i didn't think he would. i didn't like him or anything. i was at cty. joshua wasn't there. kyle liked seven billion girls and all of them talked about him behind his back and made fun of him. i felt bad, so i slow danced with him. and kyle kissed me at one point in time. it wasn't a french kiss or anything. it was barely a kiss. but it was wrong. shouldn't have done it.

so i can see why he is afraid that i would cheat on him. but he worries so much. i really don't want to cheat on him. i love him with all of my heart and i love only him. no one else. i don't want anyone else. and i really do not need anyone else. i wish that he would just stop worrying and start believing me.

and now for an abrupt change of subject:

i am watching "sister, sister" right now. and even though they wear really scary clothing, i think that the clothing is really cool. and now i have to go before my parents get home and see that i have been online.

i love joshua.

<3 chelsea