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chosh part one

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back for a bit

19:00 on 09.16.02
"it's contaminated"

yippie. another review this one by sweet-views... 77/90... not great, but not horrible. she likes the way i write, just thinks that i should change the text to white. i think i will, but right now i am waaaaaay to lazy to fool with html. really lazy. i don't want to look at html codes right now. sometimes they make my head spin. doot doot doot. i lose ponits on my layout. but i don't like images. i can't find anything that fits perfectly. you know what would be great? a big picture of kevin max. i love kevin max. he's such a wonderful singer/poet... he's my role model. (that sounds funny since kevin max wasn't so great when he started out. read his book, unfinished work, to find out what i mean by that.)

so i saw signs again. you know, you feel like a real loser when all the people around you are either freaking out or laughing and you are sitting there quiet and knowing... i knew what would happen, i didn't freak out or anything. oh well. i saw minority report twice, didn't i? well, i love that movie. so that makes sense. signs wasn't all that great.

i want to see sweet home alabama. it looked funny.

so we went to the mall after we saw the movie, because my sister and mom had allergy shots to get, so me, my sister, my brother, and my father sayed behind at the mall. i got eyeshadow @ claire's. people gave me funny looks. i think it is because i went there wearing clothing that just didn't match amazingly well. but i love doing that. it is something that i do often, just to be different.

then we went to king buffet for dinner. not too great, the food tasted funny today. i still ate three plates full of food though. it tasted strange. bleck.

i think my parents might be warming up to the idea of allowing joshua over for dinner one night. i hope they let him over. i want my dad to start liking joshua again. that would be nice. then i could see him more often and right now, i am very joshua deprived. i miss him so much. i am so glad my mom lets me call him every night. i don't know what i would do if i could still only call him every three or four days. i probably would have withered by now. (wasn't that a great choice of words?)

well, joshua is going to be mad at me because i didn't call him when i was at the mall. but i was with my dad so it makes sense that i did not call him. he is going to be mad anyway, and i am going to have to iron that disagreement out. i can tell you for sure that he is going to say i broke some promise or another and get mad at me and hang up and steam for the night.

yeah isn't that joyous? i hate fights. my parents fight everyday (and sometimes more than that) and i do not want my relationship to turn into something like the one my parents are currently in. i really do not want that to happen. i don't want joshua or myself to become controlling. i don't want either of us to constantly yell or get mad for no reason. it really sucks to live in a house where the parents fight all the time and threaten divorce, etc., etc. i really hate my family life sometimes. which is really sad. once there was a time when the only relationship i could count on was me and joshua's. but right now, i don't know if i can even count on ours. because i could never really count on my parents' relationship. it has always been not very good. they're always straddling the fence. always always always.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like if my parents arried out their threats of divorce. once my father asked me who i wanted to live with. ah, now that was a terrible fight to wake up to last year. and i wondered... who would i live with? i have no idea. my mom or my dad? i think i would prefer my mom. my dad yells all the time. sometimes for no reason. my mom is a lot nicer and she actually likes my boyfriend.

so my family life is a mess. by the end of tonight my relationship with joshua is probably going to be in a mess (again). at least school isn't killing me (yet).

school is pressuring simply because i'm in all honors classes and my teachers are more strict than they were last year. oh well. i am also trying to impress colleges with extra cirricular activities. i need a job, otherwise i will never be able to get everything i need. (i think i am just going to buy my own computer and get myself a second phone line and then i will live in my room and only come out to eat and go to school/work.)

ack!!!

my life is slightly in disarray but isn't that the story of my life?

i'm out now.

i love joshua.

<3 chelsea