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chosh part one

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back for a bit

19:46 on 09.19.02
"my bra's squeakin"

yeah i thought you would like to know what the subject line says...

i actually have debate homework. i get to read through about two hundred freaking pages of things on medicines and stuff. some of it looked interesting. i saw "suicide" a couple of times... but i get to do all of that work... thanks to paul. jerk. he comes for the last five minutes and gets varley to give me work. i am going to hunt him down tomorrow and make him do some of it. i don't want to spend my entire weekend combining files.

but with debate, nick is my partner. he knows what he is doing (to a very small extent, but even that is enough). i have no idea what aff i am going to run and i know i am going to need a lot of neg stuff. joy joy. i researched today @ nytimes.com, found nothing except stuff about psych care for 9/11 trauma patients. joy joy. i didn't read it, didn't interest me.

anything else on debate? no i don't think so... except i might get a ride from paul one day. fun fun. he really isn't debating this year. his partner is... actually, i do not know where dara went.

we have an army of novices. we have so many, it is frightening. but now i am going to stop boring you with debate things (unless this interests you... then i am just moving onto another topic)

i am joining the principal-student advisory council. it has something to do with the condition of the school which is as i have probably complained about bad.

that was a really bad structured sentence (see above, last one).

what else has been happening in the drama of my life?

i met a girl from jfk today. she was on the late bus. her name is asia. she and i have a lot alike. i really like her. and i love her name. asia... it's so pretty. it is the name of a continent, but it is so awesome. i love it!!!

in chemistry, we made goop. goop goop goop. i have purple goop and red goop. which i think is really cool. we did two labs today... a fun goop one and a heat transfer one. i really enjoyed both of them... but i have to finish the heat transfer one.

i am watching "sister sister" right now. well, it just ended. joy joy. fun fun fun.

i am in a very depressedish mood, so i am surprised that i am writing so much. i don't feel like doing anything... writing, playing flute, nothing.

i should do my french vocab work. that takes awhile.

we had a test in global today and... i though i would fail it because i did my brief studying trick (look at a page for a minute or two and just sort of remember everything on that page). but it was not that hard. it was quite easy. i think i screwed up a couple of the questions. oh well.

i am really cold. it is so freaking cold in here. my parents have the air conditioning going. it is so perfect outside. the temperature out there is great. it is so beautiful.

ugh. i smell like i was out all day in hot weather wearing pants and a long sleeve shirt (which i was). so i have to take a shower. when i am done here, i will take a shower.

things with joshua really aren't that great. in all honesty, they suck. i don't know if we will be together after september twenty-second. that is all i need. another ruined sept. 22. i am ready to deal with whatever happens, but i am hoping that things turn out to be good. but then again, i am beginning to think that if we hold on for any longer, it is just going to hurt even more when we finally do let go. if we finally do let go.

i hurt right now. i really hurt. i am in pain. i feel so depressed. i just do not feel like myself. i can't make myself do anything. i am surprised i am even typing this up. i have no energy whatsoever. my heart feels like it has been broken. i hate that feeling, especially because i think that my heart has been broken. *sigh*

i just want things to work out. i want joshua. i want him to be happy. i want me to be happy. i want us to feel better. i want everything to be better. i want to fix us. i wish i could just take a big big bandage and throw it over all of the wounds and then have everything just heal. i wish things were that easy.

but they aren't that easy. they never will be that easy. ever. you have to work to make things better. you have to patch things up yourself. no bandage is going to do that for you.

but superglue will work.

last year on september twenty-second, after i went through that whole big icky ordeal that i am very surprised that i survived, i decided that the superglue of all relationships is love.

and then i wrote a whole essay on it. geeky, i know. or not. i dunno.

okie, i have two bruises on my left hand and it is killing me, so i'm out...

i love joshua.

<3 chelsea