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chosh part one

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back for a bit

18:44 on 10.02.02
"*sob*"

I didn't really write a very emotional entry before, so here goes (and I am going to use capitals, too. I am trying, I am trying.)

Bleck. I really don't want to go to school anymore. It is so boring, so unchallenging. I don't enjoy it anymore. Sure, I have friends there and stuff, but I don't enjoy school anymore. It drains me of energy, will power, etc., etc. It just isn't the same. My workload has obviously gotten bigger, but I never really cared about how much homework I had. It never bothered me.

Things with Joshua have also decided to suck again. (Not a very rare or uncommon thing.) But I just want things to be better. I want us to be happy, I want it to get better. Now. At the snap of my fingers. I can't have that, though. I can never have that. You have to work for everything. And I don't know if I will be able to make things better.

He... us... me... We've slumped. We thought things were going great, thought everything was perfect again. But then I got depressed suddenly for no reason and that screwed things up.

So I have to see him. I really do. Whenever we have problems, I have to see him, otherwise I am not sure what I am going to do.

Once again, I feel lost and alone and confused. I hate not knowing exactly where my relationship is heading. It hurts. You know what hurts Joshua? It hurts him that I hurt. And I feel bad about that.

So he hurts and I hurt and we are a little messy. I feel so bad. I love him with all of my heart and I just want to make things right again.

This is how my roller coaster life goes.

Up and down. I can't see the ground right now. I don't think I want to. :(

I have to call Joshua soon. I don't want to get myself depressed by writing all of this... By writeing about my confusion and my pain.

I haven't opened up a handwritten journal in several days. I can't make myself write this where no one else can see it. I want to put it where others can see, where they can read it and help me and give me advice and just tell me that it is going to be alright. I need support like that. It is a big part of helping me be who I am...

And then the family problems don't help me at all. If you've just started reading this, my family dynamics aren't that great. There's always a fight, alway someone at fault. My parents continue to threaten divorce. They tell us they'll stop, that they won't fight or scream or yell but they do it all the time. My family life is no walk in the park, I can promise you that. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all, to a place where I can sit and cry and cry until all my tears are gone. And then maybe I would continue crying.

I need some comfort now, I have to call my boyfriend. Hopefully he will be kind and caring.

I love Joshua.

<3 Chelsea