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chosh part one

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back for a bit

17:53 on 11.04.02
"lippy"

you know what i really hate? i hate it when you dip your finger in a pot of lip gloss and when you take your finger out, your nail is filled with the stuff. it's disgusting and that is the curse of trying to grow pretty nails so i can be normal. (wow considering something i am going to write a little bit later on, being normal is going to contradict!)

and you know what else i really hate? when you study you (explicative) off for a global exam and it is still hard. and i think i may have failed it. i tried so hard, too. i really did. :-( poor yon failed it. she's so upset. i wish there was some semblance of extra credit in that class considering i only got a 92 on my project which is worth 35% of my quarter grade. *sigh* i am really stressed/worried right now and this is not helping me.

so my poor joshua is upset. i asked permission to call him (doesn't my life suck? i have to ask permission to call my boyfriend... can't wait til i can drive because then i can just leave to see him.) and i got it (from my mom, i would never get it from my dad.) i'm glad i get to call him. he has been so miserable these past bunch of days.

i haven't been amazingly well either. on friday night, my family got into this huge fight. omg, it was so horrible. i don't believe it happened. but at one point in time, my dad tried to physically force me into my room and then he called me a slut. so what did i do both times? i beat him. i hit him and slapped him and punched him and pulled his hair. out of control? no. just really really mad. he called me a slut. i cried for hours. hours. i couldn't help it. when someone calls you a slut (among other sweet, insensitive things) you're not going to be tres contente. instead, you are going to be tres bitchy.

moving on.

ughness. i have a math quarterly on november 8th and i don't know how i am going to do. i really don't want to know how it is going to turn out. i don't want to take it. i hate math. i hate trig. and trig is going to be over half of my regents. well, i think i will have learned all of it by june. i hope i learn all of it, and learn all of it well.

i am finally free from my debate team. you have no idea how wonderful it feels. all connections between me and them have been destroyed. well, not exactly, but close enough.

tomorrow we have no school. i can sleep late and eat right. (ooh a rare occurrence (hey that was one of my spelling words) in my life.) but if i sleep late i will be a tres happy bunny. i just called myself a bunny. what is wrong with me? no no, don't answer that. i know what is wrong with myself.

so i have this urge to wear all black at school on wednesday and wear red lipstick (thank you to yon for this amazing idea, it is beginning to stick with me.) but i am not going to do the walked-out-of-the-matrix look again. just normal unshiny black with dark red. i want attention. like, the "oooh she's weird attention" not the "ooh she's smart" or the "ooh she's hot" attention. i already have enough of that attention. i don't want anymore of that attention. i want to be strange weird anything but ordinary, please. "i'd rather be anything but ordinary please..." too much avril lavigne for the mind, i know.

"bring down your defenses, use no common sense, if you look you can see that this world is beautiful, accident, turbulant, succulent, opulent, permanent... i want to taste it don't want to waste it away..."

if i missed any parts of that part of that avril song, i am tres desole. (very sorry.)

i love joshua.

<3 chelsea