>>diary
cast
rings
reviews
registered
clix

>>contact
guestbook
tagboard
notes
e-mail

>> me
profile
the girl
likes / hates
131 things listings
glossory
bookshelf
poetry
chosh part one

>>did you miss...
-
-
-
-
back for a bit

11:29 on 11.05.02
"scared"

i'm scaring myself.

i know that things aren't going that well or me, my grades are dropping a bit, i can't do debate, i don't see my friends and my family life sucks. i haven't seen my boyfriend in almost a month. it might be another couple weeks before i see him again. that hurts. and i can't talk to him a lot either. which also hurts.

i want things ot get better and i don't know when they will. in fact, i am so hurt and so confused that i completely scared myself when i was on the phone with joshua. i don't know if i scared him, but i probably did. i said "so if i were to take a knife and drag it across my wrist while i was on the phone with you, you would do nothing?" and he said that all he really could do was talk to me and after a little bit of that i wanted to move on... he asked why and i said that it was because i really do want to kill myself. i do. i don't want to hurt anymore.

but joshua did make me feel better. he said that things would get better one day, i am only fifteen, and don't i want to see what my life is going to be like when i'm 18? 25? 37? (i don't want to think about me actually being 37, but i got his point. and he was right. i'm only 15, i don't have to die now. i have a lot of life left to live and even though things aren't good, i can make them better. things with joshua will be better if i am nicer with my family and if he and i just work things out.

so see? things will get better. i just have to sit around and wait for them to get fixed.

i love joshua.

<3 chelsea