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chosh part one

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back for a bit

15:26 on 11.06.02
"spinning spinning"

holy... shizzle... i need to freaking cut my nails! *oh the drama* wasn't that pathetic? i made you think that something horrible happened.

so i am very relieved. i have been worrying about my global exam/average for so long. (i know i am the uber geek, i actually worry about these things... but if i get below a 90 i get yelled at/grounded/etc and i don't need more family stress.) but i got a 92.5 (aka 93) on my exam, i have a 95 average, which is so freaking kick freaking ass. (trying not to curse.)

and i am uber flutist/piccoloist. i have, like, one and hopefully two fulte solos, and two songs i have to play piccolo on. i think i am definitely leader for both sections. hell yeah.

oh damn. i have to go for counseling tonight, which is something i don't want to do. yeah, the counselor is my pastor, and i know him, but... i am not mad, not depressed. and if i am not writing, i can't express and say everything i want to express and say unless i know someone "intimately." yeah, i know that i don't know some of my readers here, but i am writing. and i don't have to be mad or depressed to tell what i feel. i don't know, it is a weird sort of quirk thing. i don't know, i can't explain it. i haven't been able to explain a lot lately.

like... lately, i have been feeling as if i am, i don't know... not liked by a lot of people. i keep on thinking that while people create the illusion that i am accepted by them, in reality, they don't like me and they think that i am a loser. i was thinking about this in chemistry class earlier and it just bothers me that i just realized that i am basically insecure. i feel that people do not like me for who i am, what i do. and for me, that is really weird. i have always been happy with who i am. what the hell is wrong with me? i haven't struggled with this for awhile. and now it is coming back.

sometimes i feel as if i am losing control of my life, too. i can't do anything to control it, either. at least, that is what it feels like. i... ugh. i feel like joshua and i are just splitting apart and we can't get back together. i feel so distant from him, from us. is there even an "us" anymore? yes there is, because i love him and he loves me. and we are still together.

but my family life is just deteriorating. it's crumbling. you can't glue crumbs together. i really wouldn't be surprised if my family splits up.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i really needed to do that. but now i need to do it in real life. but then my family would wonder what is wrong.

and i don't have to go to counseling today. i just found out. *score*

i love joshua.

<3 chelsea