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chosh part one

>>did you miss...
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back for a bit

09:46 on 11.09.02
"depression sucks"

i have a review for iluvmusic9 to do at fadedrevue. i am going to do it, i have already read enough entries. actually, i have been a fan of her's for quite some time, so i understood the dynamics of everything right away. kat has already done two reviews, one for glazecovered and another for... well, i can't remember.

i really miss joshua. but he will be home tonight. late tonight (probably) but he will still be home. i miss him so much. he's my baby, and i was so mean to him on the phone two nights ago. i said i was going to dump him. why? i don't know.

it's just that lately, i have been feeling as if everything in my life has been spinning out of control. i don't feel like i have a grip on anything, and i am doing things that i don't want to do, don't mean to do. i just do things (or don't do things) and it messes everything up and there goes my life... floating away on a current in a river.

i didn't mean to "dump" him. he says i did, i say i didn't. we're still together, but i screwed things up. me, not him. me. i screwed up a relationship that really was beginning to get better. i screwed things up again, it's always my fault when something goes wrong. i am a horrible girlfriend, and joshua really does deserve better than me.

*slams head against the wall*

i love joshua, i love our relationship, and now i think he really wants it to be over. i don't want it to be over. i want it to get better. i want to be a better girlfriend. i want to love him and be loved back. i want to be there for him and know that he's there for my. i want our happiness to be back. i want to talk to him every night for hours and hours. i want to be his girlfriend. a good girlfriend.

*cries*

my life really does suck right now, and while i am losing everything else, i don't want to lose joshua. i can't. i love him with all my heart.

*sigh*

i wish i could see him right now, so i could hug him and cuddle with him and just be with him. i wish i were a better girlfriend, and i wish that he was happy with us.

sometimes i just want to say goodbye to life. sometimes i want to slip out of it quietly, other times painfully. but i am not going to die. i promised i wouldn't kill myself. but sometimes i want to slit my wrists.

i haven't been upset/depressed like this for awhile. oh well, it is my fault that things suck. i am the one who has problems with my family, i am the one who, for some strange inexplicable reason, wanted to dump her boyfriend (even though i really don't want to). it's my fault.

i don't know what to do right now. i don't want to do homework. i really don't want to do it and mess it up, etc, etc. i want to call someone, maybe ilana or yon. i really want to talk to joshua, he has always made me feel better. the sound of his voice always calms me down. he has that... well, i am hesistant to say power, but... he has that sort of power over me where he'll say something and i'll stop crying almost immediately. i love that about him. he makes me feel better just by talking to me.

my little brother has just seen a squirrel, with an acorn in its mouth. he is absolutely amazed by it, which is tres cute if you ask me.

i envy yon so much. she can see her boyfriend at school and any other day. he likes to walk long distances, and so he is always at her house. or he just gets ride from someone, or meets her somewhere, or... they're so cute together, and whenever i see the two of them, i think that joshua and i would be just as cute together if he were with me. i am so envious of every couple at school.

like robin and mike. mike always kisses robin goodbye before robin goes into global and i am almost always there in the vicinity to see it. almost always. and when i see them kissing, i think about how i would love to be kissed before class. i really would. :-(

i love joshua.

<3 chelsea