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chosh part one

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back for a bit

17:51 on 11.12.02
"powderpuff stress"

what i really need right now is a back rub. and a shoulder massage. and if joshua were here, i would get that massage. i really would. but he isn't here. just one of the things that happens to piss me off right now.

one thing that isn't pissing me off at the current moment is that i got a 98 on the math quarterly i worried my ass off about. i worry to much.

i just saw joshua, and here i am stressed and pissed and stuff like such. i really am. i felt so much better about everything yesterday. the world seemed bright and clear and new (with a slight haze, but still...) and i felt like i was floating on air (with the pool water holding me up) because i saw joshua (for two hours). and now i feel like everything is crushing me again. i have this to do and that to do, and then there's that thing over there and if you dig beneath all of the scrap paper, you'll find that other thing to do.

if only i wasn't such an over acheiver. then i wouldn't have to do everything i have to do. school, band, school, symphony orchestra, school, pit orchestra, school, community service club, school, principal student advisory council, school. honors program. this that and the other thing all over again.

do you get the picture?

this stress is killing me (not literally). i do so much, i work so hard, and if i get a grade that i believe isn't satisfactory, i make myself work harder.

if only i wasn't such a perfectionist. then things would be better. because there's this thing that has to be adjusted just this way, and then there's that thing that has to be fixed so it looks like this and if that thing over there doesn't sound this way, it won't get a good grade. and i make myself go nuts if i don't live up to all of my standards.

and most of the time i want to do something other than what i have to do.

if only i wasn't such a procrastinater. then i wouldn't have to deal with doing everything during the last couple of minutes.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

that was my virtual scream. my ears hurt and my throat hurts, so i couldn't actually do it. but taking out my frustrations in a virtual scream is almost as fulfilling.

i have global homework.

why the hell am i talking about what freaking damn homework i have to do? i am trying to distract myself from all of it.

oh my goodness god help the world! disney is coming out with a new show (a 'comedy' show) called "that's so raven" and it looks like it came from the pit of hell. (translation: it looks like it is one of the worst shows you will ever ever see.)

someone on the disnye channel stole my hat (only in a different color). that pisses me off too.

so i have this cold ear throat nose thing going on and what did i do? well, it was quite rainy today and the juniors and seniors had a powderpuff football game and yon and i wanted to watch it. so we walked all the way down the hill to the football field in the pouring rain. and we got wet and so did our boxes of chocolate that we are selling for band (later the boxes would break and what would we have to do? well, we each had two boxes so we had to put 96 freaking bars of chocolate in a box made for 48. oops.). and then we stayed until the second quarter. it was so wet and rainy and muddy and absolutely disgusting. but when we left, the seniors were winning, twelve to zero. it was so funny to see people all muddy and stuff.

so yon and i decided that we are going to do that next year as juniors and also as seniors. we are going to ctach that ball and run run run and get pushed down and get all freaking dirty! dirrty. with two r's.

i love joshua.

<3 chelsea