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chosh part one

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back for a bit

19:02 on 11.13.02
"red nosed stress"

i have blown my nose so many times, it is turning raw and red. and i don't need that. i am not tres fond of the bozo the clown look.

right now i want to sit in one of those cute little corner cafes, drink some expensive coffee drink and think about how my no candy, no soda diet lasted... (not including sleeping hours) seven hours.

i needed the sugar! i needed the caffeine! i would have passed out after pit orchestra rehearsal (more on the later) if i didn't take a shot of vanilla coke. it's true i am addicted and that is tres bad. i really wanted to get rid of the candy soda thing.

so pit orchestra made me very unhappy. there's a big rehearsal on saturday, for four hours! and i am so not ready. i don't believe this. i poured so much time into pit already, and i didn't practice half of the songs fast enough. and the director conductor whatever you want to call him was so demanding. i felt so behind and stupid. i felt like second flute last chair. i have never felt that bad about my playing. ever. i may say i am horrible, but that is because i can't get this rhythm over there or that note up there. but i was lost, behind, and dumb. *misery* honestly, misery.

sometimes i hate being me. because i do so much and then i stay up late and don't eat to do it all perfectly and then it fails. or i fail. or something fails. and here i am, failing. i am never going to be ready. i have... about 65 hours to get ready for this rehearsal. i don't think i could ever do it.

and i am sick. both ears are full of something, they're clogged up, etc. and my throat hurts. it hurts to talk, eat, swallow, you name it, it hurts. my shoulders hurt too and i had trouble holding up my flute.

i need to get in shape physically, mentally, and emotionally.

could anyone donate a couple of hours of their life to me? i will gladly take hours upon hours upon hours. do you think i am kidding? i kid you not.

oh, give me clix. and then look for me on the list. i am known today as...

title: lather. rinse. repeat.

description: as necessary. but make sure that soap doesn't get in your eyes.

i love joshua.

<3 chelsea