>>diary
cast
rings
reviews
registered
clix

>>contact
guestbook
tagboard
notes
e-mail

>> me
profile
the girl
likes / hates
131 things listings
glossory
bookshelf
poetry
chosh part one

>>did you miss...
-
-
-
-
back for a bit

18:32 on 11.15.02
"so shocking!"

you will never believe what happened today. i've never experienced anything like it... it was so shocking i didn't believe it at first.

now that i have your attention, nothing happened. i printed poetry out at school. some of my old stuff. it scares me. when you are writing stuff like "you're just a waste of space/if fed by monotony/a waste of space, of life, of soul/if you color within the lines/and allow yourself to be fed/by the hand/by the puppeteer/like the rest" you would be scared to. that was a poem about how horrible society is. oh man. wouldn't you be scared if you wrote stuff like such? i would be... i am. sometimes, i look at my old suicidal stuff and i freak out. i cringe. i cringe at my own work. not because it is horribly written, but because it just seems so real. i would quote myself, but it is so morbid.

i cannot believe that i was so depressed that i actually wanted to slit my wrists. i wanted to do that. it terrifies me. sometimes i cry after reading my older pieces. they're so depressing. i know i go through my little mood swings, but after a day or a week or so i get better. i am not screwed over for months and months.

now i am rambling about how i hate my depressed self.

*shudder*

scary stuff on the floor next to me. i printed it out in pretty light blue so that it didn't look as morbid, as scary, as depressing...

so i went to school today and i stayed the whole time. and in band i took the flute solo both times we played "a movement for rosa" and i heard someone behind me say "good job" when i finished. ah, the little things in life that make me oh so joyous! i live off of little compliments like "good job." and while i am on this subject, the conductor for cinderella told mr. randolph that he was impressed by what i did. :-) i thought i did horribly. well, if it is impressive, then i am totally underestimating myself... or whatever you would call it.

mmm... they are smoking cuban cigars on seinfeld. kramer just burned himself. i *heart* kramer. and this woman has this horrible laugh. it is so terrifying.

i just ripped up a tissue. i think that is a sign of my inner instablility.

what am i saying?

earlier, joshua and i were talking bout how i never know what i am saying, and ditto for the rest of the world. and you know what? i had no idea what i was talking about, and neither did he. he actually asked me, "chelsea what are you saying?" and i answered "i honestly don't know."

oh woop dee do. harry potter and his wonderful chamber of secrets opened today. how exciting. not really. *gag* i do not like harry potter. he's okay, i guess he isn't gag material, but i am not an obsessive fan.

i love joshua.

<3 chelsea