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chosh part one

>>did you miss...
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back for a bit

17:28 on 11.27.03
"i can't leave"

You're so sad / You're such a sad-eyed girl / You're so sad ... in your sub-plot

As reads my away message.

All you have to do is say goodbye to something to realize that you want it back. However, I also want a new layout. Something bright and airy and just not dark and ... dark. Maybe not reflecting music either. Because although I have a passion for music and although it really does drive a lot of my life, I don't need to be reminded of it constantly. I have found a couple of layouts.

So last night I talked to Reuben (RA from CTY and ex-CTYer) for two hours. He IMed me as soon as I got on. He's had his away message up all day and I think I have IMed him about ten or fifteen times. But no matter. We talked about so much. It was really nice just talking to him and interacting with him as friends and not as RA-CTYer. Because that can be awkward. We were talking about good places to do thing (remember, he was a CTYer too!) and we've decided that Quad 10 is a good place and so was Quad 6 (however a series of events which possibly include Josh and I, though there is no reason for that - really! But we just get blamed anyway - closed that lounge). We talked about... agh, everything. It was really nice though and I enjoyed it a lot. I have been going to Reuben for relationship advice lately and I have found what he says very insightful and useful.

Maybe I will put bits of our conversation on here... I saved it because I found some of the things worthy to be shown to Josh. I am sure Josh will like it.

Anywho, I have been feeling semi-depressed lately but not as down as I felt a couple of weeks ago. I know Josh and I are back together but with other things, I feel more back on track. And that really is a good feeling, but I always feel a little panicky too. Like, I know that I should be doing my homework right now. But guess what, I am not! But I need to refocus myself. And things are coming back into focus slowly, but at a steady pace.

Does anybody out there know how I feel?

Because there are times when I feel like I am at the top of the world. But more often, I feel like crap and a smudge and... I feel as if my to-do list is too long. Sometimes, I can't even see where it ends. And even then I procrastinate. And that just makes me feel even worse because it means that I have to put more pressure on myself and pressure equals stress and stress equals strains everywhere... in relationships, in activites, in places where I shouldn't have strains. I think that my relationship with my boyfriend struggles because I do so much stuff and so I get really stressed and then I take my anger out on him and blah blah blah.

I just got my hair angled. Normally, I do not care about my hair. Because it is hair, right? But lately (well, for a little over a year now) I have been enjoying making changes to my hair... Especially those my parents don't exactly like. I haven't gotten them to let me go past red highlights, but I had long blonde hair with semi-curls and those have been chopped off several times. And every time that happens, my mom gets a little... Sad. But my hair is shorter in the front so that when I put it up, the front strands come out. Which gets annoying but looks cute with a baseball cap. ;) That was pathetic, I know. But when I run my hands through it, there's nothing dead at the end and I enjoy that too. So I am happy right now.

However I need a direction and something to push me because frankly, working to impress a college isn't motivation enough anymore.

There. I said it. I can't work to impress a college anymore because I feel like I get nothing out of it. So I need motivation. I need a driving force to make me move on forward.

I love Joshua.
-Chelsea